December 30, 2010

  • Let the decrapping begin!
    Excepting the day when all the decorations are up, the day I start to take it all down is the best.  I need air, space.  And if I am in need, I know that Ed is about to combust.  And so it begins today.  The tree will stay decorated until next week.

    A few updates…
    We sold our business property the week before Christmas, and the bank accepted an offer of compromise for the difference (substantial) between what we owe them and the selling price.  This means that they will not come after us for anything that is owed since we turned over all assets, auctioned off (the bank did this) all the equipment, etc.  This is a relief in ways financial and psychological.  Painful, to have it all go… so easy to sink into “what the fuck happened?!”
    But.
    Like a septic limb, amputation is the only solution.
    I am grateful that this chapter of our lives has ended.

    We are in negotiation for a home loan modification, two years into default and three months into modification process and we are “still in the application pipeline… you’ll receive documents soon.”  Nothing ever arrives.  But I’ve stopped living my life as though it’s all going to blow up at any moment.  Two years of doing that, and now in hindsight I see the waste.  Waste of time, waste of energy.  Worry is waste, though it is unavoidable (at least for me).  So we continue to live, the girls continue to grow (correction to my previous entry, the girls are 11 and 8… almost 9… I am the mother of the year, dontcha know), the seasons flow and so it goes.
    Again, grateful. 

    Looking forward to the new year.  That is the best thing I’ve found about having lost so much, just about anything remotely positive that follows is just fabulous.

    Thank you for the warm welcome back.  I have missed this part of myself and have noted the difference in my psyche as a result of not having a room of my own.  I have missed you all, and the awareness of what goes on in your worlds. I no longer have protected posts, and will be archiving the past 8 years as soon as I can find space somewhere to save it.  My oldest is now internet savvy and I feel an obligation to respect her sensibilities and mine.  My intention is for her to read my blog in its entirety (if she wishes) but not yet.

    Peaceful blessings.

December 26, 2010

  • I have enough gift card credit to buy myself one new book. 
    What should I get?


December 25, 2010

  • It has been a lovely day.  Exhausting, but lovely.  We are on the cusp of no longer believing in Santa here and for me there is a sense of melancholy swirled in with the gladness.  Eldest daughter, she is 10 now, senses the technical truth, but is unwilling to jump to the other side just yet. I am happy to indulge her. 

    Youngest daughter busted Dad putting together Barbie’s dream house … she heard a “clatter” at almost midnight and dutifully investigated.  We covered well, but the wide-eyed magic years are winding down.  In hindsight they are so fleeting.

    But with their maturing comes a wonderful sense of the women and humans my daughters are becoming.  Their hearts are huge and their capacity to love is ever evolving.  This is my most precious blessing and one thing I hope I am remembered for having had some part in creating.

    We’ve been merry this Christmas, and not simply because Santa came (with tremendous financial assistance from my mom).  We are still standing, holding on to what is left… the four of us and a roof over our heads.  This is enough. 

    Peaceful blessings.

December 23, 2010