My dreams and aspirations are simple.  Survival and gratitude.  Paying back and forward my karmic (and material) debt.  For the rest of my life... I dedicate myself to becoming someone's (many someones) samaritan.  Should I die tomorrow?  I devote my next existence to bringing hope to those who have none, following the example of those who have brought me hope and relief this past year (past years...).  I will begin this week by writing to those people, expressing my thankfulness for what has been done for me.  It doesn't matter if it was cash in the mail, or a kind word, or toys for my children's Christmas, or a prayer... there is no small deed, all of these things have lifted me up inches above the muck that my life is at present.

Words are painfully inadequate, but all I have to give tonight (well, and some photos from our most special Christmas... where Santa really did come and give my children what I could not).

I fight every day within myself, to prevent from sinking so far into the darkness that I cannot find my way out.  My needs are simple.  Food, shelter, and some semblance of a future for my children and my planet.  These needs will be met or I shall go to my grave trying to achieve them.  Even in my darkest moments, my soul knows that there is nothing that can't truly extinguish Light... not forever.  And I hold onto this thread of Light, the last I've saved from the days when Light was a brilliant blanket all around me.  I clutch it close to my breast and hope.

I hope for myself, for my family, and for the world.  May the world know peace, true peace and brotherhood.  I know it exists, I've experienced it in microscopic... yet invaluable... ways.  May we all be ambassadors of Love and Light.  May we all know peace as a way of life, not simply an ideal aspiration. 

On this night, I release my anger, personal vendettas, bitterness and rage.  I release hopelessness and fear.  I remember who I truly am, despite the costume of skin and bones I wear.  I remember who you are as well,  and I ask the Universe to strengthen us all to be who we are beneath the blood and tears.

I rise from the still-burning embers of my life, weaker in some respects yet stronger than I ever thought possible in others.  I hold the hands of my husband and children and walk forward with my eyes on the source of All That Is and I pray that I can become an example of hope and Love for all those who cross my path as well as those who walk with me.

Thank you, my friends, for walking with me and carrying me forward when I can not take another step.  And if you should need to rest... I fall to my knees to allow you to climb on my back.  We shall carry each other.
























Happy new year.
Good night.

We sold Ed's drums tonight.  Craig's list.  This is good, but very painful.  I gave him those drums ten years ago, a combination birthday/Christmas/Valentine's day gift.  The girls love to play them.  Ed loves to play them. 

The girls don't yet know they're sold (getting picked up on Sunday).  I will tell them some time between now and then.  Ed is very sad.  I'm sad because he's sad.  The girls will be sad.  And then I shall follow suit for them as well.

I said to Ed, "If the worst heartbreak the girls have during this whole nightmare is the loss of those drums, then we did okay."
He agreed.

The falling away is painful.  Hopefully, more shall fall away, and I will learn from the pain.

Julia can read.  Really read.  She read a whole primary book to me tonight, with the exception of a few big words.
This is huge.
Amen.